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One way to recognize the difference between an abuser and the person they’re hurting is the willingness to seek change.
Admitting to unhealthy or abusive behavior, committing to stopping, reaching out for help and asking about the process of change are things that abusive people rarely do.
The excuse of “mutual abuse” also allows the abusive partner to shift blame.
We know that abusive partners rarely take responsibility for their actions and that blame shifting is a common tactic.